5 days

Random things I heard for these past weeks that keep ringing in my head:

1. “You are truly a very kind girl, Mey” – once I (for the first time ever) tried not to ghosting someone.
2. “Kalo ragu, mending ngga usah curhat. Nanti nyesel.” – Once I told my friend I want to curhat but still hesitated. This small talk moved me…. Made me know this person really is my good friend, bukan cuma kepo-kepo aja. Ya akhirnya ngga jadi curhat, sih.
3. “Even though it’s business, this wouldn’t happen if you didn’t have the skill” – when I refused someone’s thank you to me because I got paid from what I did to him.
4. “I wanna be like you when I grow up” – my little niece.
5. “No. Not yet.”
6. “No.” – after I ask him whether I have a second chance or not.

 

It’s amazing how we can set ourselves into anyone. Becoming not only into someone we want to –but also someone we never know we could. Transforming into someone so different, so same, and also into the very person we used to hate before.

How we can change into a completely different person just after a massive heart break. And into another different one once we fall in love (oh, or is it just us misperceive it?) –so deep.

How we can work for another hour, and another one, and oh please one hour more, just so you can save more to build your dream together. And how we can sleep soooo tightly knowing that tomorrow there will be more hours to be filled with works.

How our level of tiredness isn’t the same as how it used to be. We move our limit further away. We doubled our patience. We stake up our expectations, build our hopes, just to burn everything down once one wrong move is made.

How we can get everything, yet still fell nothing.

And when all the doubts rise up, filling our head with nothing but fear, we start questioning every-single-thing. Is this the right thing to do? Is it worth it?

Am I really doing the right thing?

But then, is it necessary to be right? Or I am satisfied enough to be just happy?

Am I?

 

 

(it took me 5 days to finish this post, started from the very first letter until the time i decided to post it. this is the longest time i’ve ever needed to make one single post)